Love from Both Sides

I felt like doing a post today.  And wanted to share some news with you and how i feel about this.

I'm happy right now, really happy to be honest. I finally feel like everything is falling into place. Martha is happy and that to me is whats most important.

Life is good.

 I had some pretty big news about a month ago. Martha is going to be a sister. And let me just stop you there not by me, but her Dads new partner. Cant really explain how i felt when i heard, a mixture of emotions. In fact every emotion you could possible imagine. Don't get me wrong i am happy for him, i truly am, He deserves to be happy. And despite everything that has happened between us i do hope he is. But wow, you know we were together for 13 years, we made our little girl, we had a lovely life, we have memories and special ones at that. And i suppose i felt sad. But as we all know, and some of us better than others, life moves on. Sometimes we have to draw a line under an old chapter and start a fresh one.

Martha is so happy, she is going to be a big sister. Hopefully one day when the time is right i can give her this also.

My sadness didn't come from wanting this with him, we have had our chance, like i said we have some amazing memories that i will treasure forever. But i think it came from all of that. the fact we experienced that with each other when we had Martha and now he will experience it with someone new.  I never thought back then that that would happen, i thought we were to be together forever and that neither of us would go through all these very special moments with anyone else.

Now he is.

Also i suppose i felt angry, that it had happened so quickly, that she has come into Marthas life and now all this is happening, she is being able to give Martha a brother or sister before i am, i wanted to be the one to do that first. I mean shes my little girl. 

God do i sound awful, maybe but these were the thoughts i had. Sadness, anger, frustration. We lost a baby so i suppose i felt guilt and hate for myself for not being able to give him another one when we tried. I cant explain some of the other thoughts i had, maybe if you have been in a similar situation you will know.

Our life took a path neither of us were expecting. We both made choices we shouldn't have, that now is in the past and we both know the truth behind all of those choices, that is private. And will remain that way.

But one thing we both know is that we love Martha very very much. He wants the best for her and so do i. He is in a new relationship, Martha says she in nice and Martha is happy, again that's all i truly care about. My little girl likes her and that's good enough for me. I am hoping that one day soon, me and her will be able to get on, communicate and have some kind of friendship. I mean she is going to be in Marthas life for a long time and at times maybe will need to be there for her when i am not able too.

I have my new partner and his relationship with Martha is lovely. 

Martha is one lucky little girl. She has a Mummy and Daddy who love her so much and two extra people who will be there to show her love kindness and friendship.

And soon she will have a new brother or sister. I'm ok with this. Its huge, but i am. 

Didn't think i would be able to write all this down, let alone share it with you all. Like i have said before life shocks us sometimes, throws things at us, but makes us who we are,

I don't want to be a bitter, angry, sad person. I want to be positive, happy, and grateful for all that i have. I cant change the past i can only focus on the future. Learn from mistakes and be the best Mummy i can be.

I hope sharing this with some of you may help if you are in a similar situation, i think its okay to have all of these thoughts and feelings, we are only human after all.